CHAPTER 1: Rejecting the Diet Mentality

After years of being on so many diets, this was hard. Even with my gastric sleeve, which is just a tool, I struggle with the mental part of eating for the right reasons. Even with the tool, you can become overweight again. I have seen it many times on the internet and of course, many have told me they knew somebody who knew somebody that gained it all back even after the sleeve. I learned about Intuitive Eating about a year after my surgery and began to listen to my body. Eat when hungry and choose wisely. The weight just melted off of me and I felt great. As I have reflected in my first post, I have been backsliding. It's not easy to stay focused when you share a home with someone that has totally different eating habits and likes/dislikes. I am not blaming my spouse in any way but it just seems easier to go with the flow than do what I need to do for me. Did I mention I am a co-dependent? That is a personality trait to not rock the boat. My husband is very supportive of me but I have the internal struggle of doing what I need for me. 

We are blasted with different diet methods on a daily basis. God forbid you have a conversation with someone about Keto or Weight Watchers and all of sudden, your social media feeds are saturated with ads to get you to sign up. It's tempting but I have to remember I have the greatest tool I can use besides myself, I have my gastric sleeve. If I get back to basics my sleeve will do the rest. Hence, why I am journaling again.

Journal Prompt: Write about when you began your first diet-your introduction to diet culture.

My first diet that I tried was LA Weight Loss Program. My mom was on it and she offered to pay for my plan and "food". It was after the birth of my 3rd son, Gabriel. My intention was to get down to the weight I was after the birth of my first son. I was 6 ft tall then and weighed a 170 lbs and at that time thought I was fat. At the start of this diet, I was 225 lbs. and self esteem was plummeted. I was busy chasing two tots and a caring for my newborn. On this plan I got down to that goal weight and I felt amazing. 

What actions did I take to stay on the diet? What were my challenges?

I couldn't have done it without the support of my mom, financially. She helped me to buy the healthy foods I needed. I planned my meals and took the kids on multiple walks in our neighborhood. I weighed in twice a week at the WL place and it was time just for me. My challenges were the temptations all around me with my boys and my husband. I am a stress eater and my life with an alcoholic was a constant battle not to resort to self soothing with food. I couldn't control him but I could control how i reacted. As I lost weight he became more and more possessive and insecure. He would often try to sabotage my efforts.

What feelings arose while you were on the diet?

I began to feel confident in myself and I began to imagine myself being more than just a stay at home mom. I felt empowered but I didn't know how to channel myself  towards my dream of going back to school and building my life so that I didn't have to depend on my husband. I think he sensed my restlessness and felt threatened by it. 

What was your relationship with food like after you fell off your first diet?

My relationship with food, for awhile, had changed. I still fought with myself to eat as if I was on the diet but I no longer had the "foods" from the WL center to keep me balanced. I didn't really have a full understanding of calories, carbs, protein etc. I didn't have the "tools" to keep the weight off without them. 

Which is the point of them, right? To get you dependent so that you keep spending your money on their plan and their food products. Products that do not have the nutrition labeled and ingredients. This was done so you can't figure out how to substitute them at the grocery store.

We had moved to another city two hours away from my support person and I was alone with three children under the age of six, soon after I was pregnant again. My husband forced the pregnancy on me which induced me into a pre-natal and post partum depression that lasted until she was three. I think I mentioned he felt threatened by my transformation? This was his exerting control over me. I was trapped once again. I gave up.

Closing thoughts:

This was tough to sit down and discern enough to write my thoughts in a productive way. The book encourages you to do this for each "diet" you have been on. Alas, I need to start my day which includes nourishing my body with food. 

Life at 50

LIFE AFTER 50....

I have to say its been quite the adventure for me. I turned the big 5 OH last October and I had no anxiety or sadness over it. I was ready to close that chapter on my 40's that was filled with tumultuous pages of drama. Kids growing into adulthood with their own trials and tribulations. Not just one ending of a difficult 23 year marriage but then I turned around and put myself into another terrible idea of a relationship and subsequent marriage that lasted 4 years. Both were alcoholic narcissists that couldn't take ownership of what led to our marriage failure. What is my ownership and accountability in that hot mess? I was a co-dependent enabler. I was the fixer. Putting my needs last and in the process making myself mentally sick and stuck.

It took some work and by that I mean, self reflection and honesty. I journaled by hand during that time and listened to a lot of podcasts from Life Coach School which really helped me to hone in on keywords to live by. I focused on my health; mental and physical. After everything I have been through in my life and with thinking I was in love and "being loved" you would think I would be done searching for someone to spend life with. I actually was done, but I found myself on a dating app for people over 50. My purpose? To find a companion to spend time with. A friend to have coffee with, travel with or just hang out at the movies. Love was never my purpose.

One night in March 2022, I was looking through suggested profiles and there was Jamie on his motorcycle. My new mantra in life was to take chances. I sent him a message and we became friends. He had filed for divorce from his 2nd wife and I was in the middle of mine. By June, we knew we were each other's person. We both were faced with some serious medical things but we couldn't imagine doing life without one another. My divorce finalized in April 2022 and his just before the 4th of July the same year. We tied the knot September 2nd, quietly with our witnesses and a family member to perform the ceremony.  Everything about our relationship has been easy. We often talk about what we have both been through in our other marriages as well as growing up. I don't like to think of my past relationships as mistakes, I believe each one led us to this moment to be ready for one another. We at first called it destiny, which seems so cliché. We have been together for over a year and a half, we have moved several times and he has survived Prostate Cancer and he will be with me every step of the way for my open heart surgery at the end of August. We have a beautiful home that is ours together and we share it with our two dogs and all are welcome to visit. We both gush to each other about how blessed we are and still in awe that we have found love at this age and its not hard. We nurture one another and we are each other's best friend. We both have learned life lessons that have made us better partners for each other.

So, I am facing a very big challenge in my life, as I touched on the previous paragraph. I learned last year soon after meeting my husband that I had an aneurysm that meets the criteria for aortic replacement. I am not critical but I am choosing to do the surgery now before I become critical or my valves become damaged in any way. Two years ago, I underwent gastric sleeve to loose weight and at that time I barely had an enlarged aorta that is caused by my hereditary connective tissue disorder called Marfan Syndrome. I had lost 55 lbs. Doesn't seem like much but I wasn't morbidly obese so I am now at a healthier weight. Could I lose more. Of course, and that is my goal. I have gained 8 lbs. over the winter, despite having the tool, I have let myself backslide into bad habits. Breaking my ankle didn't help much either. 

I have decided to keep an online journal to chronicle my life as I undergo my open heart surgery.  I have also begun a self reflective journey about my faith and spirituality. I will be sharing my journal prompts from the Intuitive Eating Journal-Your Guided Journey for Nourishing a Healthy Relationship with Food by Elyse Resch, MS, RDN and a daily affirmation book called Intuitive Eating for Every Day-365 Daily Practices & Inspirations to Rediscover the Pleasures of Eating by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RDN, CEDRD-S. I will link both books to the right for anyone visiting who might like to check them out. I can only hope that I can be a light and inspiration to you in the way I have received from others in my life.

I leave you with one of my greatest blessings, among many. My Golden Doodle, Chewie. He has been my faithful companion for almost 5 years and he has my heart forever. He is a gentle giant, who has the heart of a lion.

Steadfast and true.