CHAPTER 1: Rejecting the Diet Mentality

After years of being on so many diets, this was hard. Even with my gastric sleeve, which is just a tool, I struggle with the mental part of eating for the right reasons. Even with the tool, you can become overweight again. I have seen it many times on the internet and of course, many have told me they knew somebody who knew somebody that gained it all back even after the sleeve. I learned about Intuitive Eating about a year after my surgery and began to listen to my body. Eat when hungry and choose wisely. The weight just melted off of me and I felt great. As I have reflected in my first post, I have been backsliding. It's not easy to stay focused when you share a home with someone that has totally different eating habits and likes/dislikes. I am not blaming my spouse in any way but it just seems easier to go with the flow than do what I need to do for me. Did I mention I am a co-dependent? That is a personality trait to not rock the boat. My husband is very supportive of me but I have the internal struggle of doing what I need for me. 

We are blasted with different diet methods on a daily basis. God forbid you have a conversation with someone about Keto or Weight Watchers and all of sudden, your social media feeds are saturated with ads to get you to sign up. It's tempting but I have to remember I have the greatest tool I can use besides myself, I have my gastric sleeve. If I get back to basics my sleeve will do the rest. Hence, why I am journaling again.

Journal Prompt: Write about when you began your first diet-your introduction to diet culture.

My first diet that I tried was LA Weight Loss Program. My mom was on it and she offered to pay for my plan and "food". It was after the birth of my 3rd son, Gabriel. My intention was to get down to the weight I was after the birth of my first son. I was 6 ft tall then and weighed a 170 lbs and at that time thought I was fat. At the start of this diet, I was 225 lbs. and self esteem was plummeted. I was busy chasing two tots and a caring for my newborn. On this plan I got down to that goal weight and I felt amazing. 

What actions did I take to stay on the diet? What were my challenges?

I couldn't have done it without the support of my mom, financially. She helped me to buy the healthy foods I needed. I planned my meals and took the kids on multiple walks in our neighborhood. I weighed in twice a week at the WL place and it was time just for me. My challenges were the temptations all around me with my boys and my husband. I am a stress eater and my life with an alcoholic was a constant battle not to resort to self soothing with food. I couldn't control him but I could control how i reacted. As I lost weight he became more and more possessive and insecure. He would often try to sabotage my efforts.

What feelings arose while you were on the diet?

I began to feel confident in myself and I began to imagine myself being more than just a stay at home mom. I felt empowered but I didn't know how to channel myself  towards my dream of going back to school and building my life so that I didn't have to depend on my husband. I think he sensed my restlessness and felt threatened by it. 

What was your relationship with food like after you fell off your first diet?

My relationship with food, for awhile, had changed. I still fought with myself to eat as if I was on the diet but I no longer had the "foods" from the WL center to keep me balanced. I didn't really have a full understanding of calories, carbs, protein etc. I didn't have the "tools" to keep the weight off without them. 

Which is the point of them, right? To get you dependent so that you keep spending your money on their plan and their food products. Products that do not have the nutrition labeled and ingredients. This was done so you can't figure out how to substitute them at the grocery store.

We had moved to another city two hours away from my support person and I was alone with three children under the age of six, soon after I was pregnant again. My husband forced the pregnancy on me which induced me into a pre-natal and post partum depression that lasted until she was three. I think I mentioned he felt threatened by my transformation? This was his exerting control over me. I was trapped once again. I gave up.

Closing thoughts:

This was tough to sit down and discern enough to write my thoughts in a productive way. The book encourages you to do this for each "diet" you have been on. Alas, I need to start my day which includes nourishing my body with food.